my annual Halloween rant...

Comrades,
October starts tomorrow, and with it comes the buildup to
Halloween. I've been checking out web sites for the season and
googling various themes and am appalled to report that we continue to
be a nation of cowering cabbages. I notice that already there are
newspapers and various uber-nanny organizations pumping out tons of
blather about the "dangers" of Halloween and offering "helpful" advice
to parents on how to avoid the coming apocalyptic horrors that it
encompasses. Of course the only truly terrifying thing that I can see
is what a steaming pile of wussiness we've become. Reading all the
warnings and advice offers little more than a microcosm of mental
illness and paranoia. Just wading through a few articles has already
revealed a trend towards weirdness that I can only marvel at. For
example:

The only costume that is encouraged this year is to be
swathed, mummy-like, head to toe in reflective tape so that cars may
see you from up to 3 miles off. Apparently parents no longer teach
their children not to dive in front of moving vehicles. In fact,
judging by the articles I've read, the next generation is nothing but
a herd of automotive lemmings, just waiting for a chance to hurl
themselves in front of a Land Rover. I guess, like deer, they are
easily mesmerized by the headlights and can't help themselves. Oh,
there'll be a gruesome supply of venison this year.

In addition, the children will be unable to carry a bag
with them. Their little hands will be needed to carry a dazzling
array of flashlights, blinkers, strobes and other lighting that will
be enough to illuminate several blocks around them. Between the
reflective tape and the lighting, they'll resemble nothing more than a
horde of monstrous psychedelic Christmas trees schlepping through
suburbia. Airline safety will be jeopardized as these moving beacons will compete with airport lights for landing attention. By November 1st, the emergency rooms and
ophthalmologist offices will be overwhelmed by cases of burned out
retinas. You will be able to trace the paths that trick-or-treaters
have taken from the resulting scorch marks on the pavement. Pathetic.

Of course, the little urchins won't need their candy bags
anyway. First of all, they won't be allowed to go to anyone's house
who isn't personally known to their parents, and possesses a Homeland
Security Clearance. I believe their doorway must also be blessed by
the local clergy before the children are allowed to approach. And the
parents will be right there, hovering in some sort of ninja strike
stance like so many Secret Service agents. As for the actual treats -
they are to be thrown away. The silly urban legends of treat
tampering are still the only thing to really haunt Halloween. Whole
armies of folklorists have disproved these lurid tales time and again
- to no avail. We simply refuse to believe that there isn't an entire
subculture of people who spend all year turning apples into pincushions and baby ruths into strychnine bars of death. I've actually seen some moronic twit write that you should take the candy away and substitute fruit! Yea, right! I'm going to go out hoofing
all over the god damned neighborhood dressed like Lord Death of the
Underworld just so Mom can toss me a peach when I get back home. GIVE
ME A FUCKING BREAK!

In the Old Days, things were different. We were pros -
greedy and fearless. Costumes consisted of two themes - cool and
horror. No ninny costumes. We would roam for miles in search of
candy. Parents dared not accompany us, the terror was too great, and
our speed like lightning. We would carefully map out the quickest way
to get the most candy through our neighborhoods with all the precision
planning of the D-Day Invasion. And there would be no delays, no
slacking, no prisoners. Attila had nothing on us when it came to
pillaging. By morning, Alexandria had been stripped bare of anything
edible. Families lived in fear that the candy would give out before
the end of Halloween. Then would come money. Some would even run out
of that and plead for their lives - to no avail. Several kept loaded
guns at hand - not for us, we were too many, but to prevent their
families from being taken alive and subjected to unimaginable horrors.
Imagine costumed locusts, devouring everything in sight - That was the
31st. Oh, I suppose some unfortunate kid would forget to look and get
creamed by a car, but that just meant more candy for the rest of us.
Big kids would pick on smaller ones. Large groups would muscle out
individuals. Darwin ruled on Halloween. By dawn there would be fewer
children, but tougher ones..

But those days are gone, apparently. By next year we'll
get to the point where kids will be like "The Boy In The Bubble",
simply rolling along imagining what it would be like to
Trick-Or-Treat. But I wish to affirm to everyone that Blau Manor will
stand like a Rock against the waves of Halloween wussiness.
Decorations of mystery and horror will abound; candy will be tossed
out without a care. Tricks AND Treats will be provided. Dangers,
both real and imagined will reach out.

Happy October!




Cheers,
Lord Death of the Underworld