Obamapocalypse!

As everyone know, in just over a week, we'll have the Inauguration here in D.C. It's always a big shindig, with lots of out-of-towners, additional traffic, celebrations and events everywhere, and large portions of town closed off for the festivities. Now, don't get me wrong, it's a very important event and it should be a matter of celebration,etc. But it is also a huge hassle for those of us stuck in it. We persevere.
But now it appears to be The End. The minimum predictions are for a million people to come in - and some are predicting four times that many! It'll practically double the population of the metro area. There's not room for one million, much less four! And there are claims of 10,000 chartered buses. Don't even think about all the cars coming in, there's no frigging way you can find room for 10,000 buses in the District. I'm not sure you could do it inside the Beltway. They'll be parking 'em in Leesburg! And the cars! Where the hell will they go?!? Mark my words, you'll be able to set up parking lots in the Shenandoah - and get takers. For there will be no parking in the District. The core has been taken over - both for driving and parking. All the folks who'd normally be there (both natives and visitors), will be pushed out to the fringes of the Capital and the neighboring suburbs of Maryland, which will crowd out and displace more people who will move outward, like the a rippling effect of the damned. Imagine getting your hands on the biggest, ugliest, smelliest armful of camel turds that you can, and then throwing that glob into a murky cesspool full of unidentifiable dead things. That's what the parking situation is going to be like.
Now today, I got a flier at work describing in detail all of the road closings for the area on the inaugural weekend. I looked it over, and nearly fainted. I could only keep screaming out, OH....MY....GOD..... Every bridge across the Potomac except for the Beltway is closed. Shirley Highway is closed. 66 inside the Belway is closed. Parts of the GW Parkway are closed. Now, please remember, the Beltway bridges form an integral part of the whole Interstate 95 corridor - the main north/south highway in America. Just the trucks and drive-by traffic alone is horrendous, even on a good day. And now they're going to try and funnel the rest of DC AND the trillion inaugural visitors onto those bridges and off those other roadways. I...I can't think of the terms to describe this. Adjectives fail me. It'll be like some nightmare from the Book of Revelations. The traffic jam is going to some sort of grid-locked Boschian drug coma. It won't be just DC - this thing is going to back up traffic to places that won't even know what hit them. It'll last for years. It may never clear out. Whole generations will be born and die at the Springfield interchange. After a few centuries, mutations will arise and breed, forming some sort of cannibalistic highway species, feeding on people stuck in buses. It will be horrible. I can see traffic jams in all directions, affecting Baltimore, Wilminton, York, Thurmont, Hagerstown, Frederick, Winchester, Culpepper, Fredericksburg, Richmond, Harper's Ferry, Annapolis, and even Delmarva, (as folks attempt to side-step the apocalpse in DC).
The fact is, that with all of these road closures and the effect it'll have, your road maps will be worse than useless. You'd be better off with a copy of Dante's Inferno. That'll be more accurate and instructive.
Linda and I were first considering leaving town for the weekend. But we honestly don't think we'd be able to get back in! We're hunkering down. I'm busily stocking up on bourbon to prepare me for the horrors to come. And they will come. It is perhaps fortunate that we don't have children, as I'd probably kill them the Friday before, to prevent them from witnessing or succumbing to any of the hellishness to come. But, as it is, I'm reduced to scouring the neighborhood for others' children, to "save" them instead. I am a generous person, and would hate to see them suffer so...
At any rate, for those of you who have had some sort of hankering to visit our city during these times, I have one bit of heartfelt advice - DON'T! I wouldn't come within 150 miles of this hellmouth. In fact, I wouldn't even look in our general direction between the 16th and the 23rd, regardless of where you are. This is going to be something....