more on Guam

I sent out the following missive to some of my friends, and thought I'd share it:

I am deeply fearful, as you probably are, that Guam might tip over. I am also deeply fearful that I won't be able to benefit from this fear. Therefore, I am submitting a proposal to Homeland Security on stabilizing the island. My proposal will consist of three options. The first is to install giant pontoons around the island, maintaining it's floatability, (I had no idea that it floats, but hey, Congressman Johnson knows best!). I realize that some will object to this from an aesthetic or ecological point of view. In keeping with these oh-so-PC sentiments, my second proposal will rely on the indigenous Pacific native crafts, and outfit the island with traditional outriggers. They'll have to be huge mothers, so this should help our great timber industry, with the added bonus of providing extra seasons of those stupid logger shows on the Discovery Channel - two economic engines will be helped all at once! The third option is my most ambitious. First, we weigh everyone on the island. Then, we'll fit up each resident on Guam with a GPS unit, and monitor them constantly. This will be combined with a multibillion dollar software program that will keep track of the exact weight distribution at any given moment. We'll tie that into the traffic light system there. If any imbalance is detected, the lights won't let anyone into the over-weighted quadrant unless/until some of the folks there have already left. Balance will be achieved, and Rep. Hank Johnson will be able to stop worrying and spend his time on more worthwhile pursuits, like learning how to talk. We must save our Pacific islands from tipping over!

Cheers,
Gilligan